The Exorcist: The Beginning

Warner Brothers presents a film redirected by Renny Harlin. Written by Alexi Hawley. Running Time: 114 minutes too long. Rated R for strong violence and gore, disturbing images and rituals, and for language including some sexual dialogue.

 

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”

 

Now it is lines like that, that will make you remember a film. Especially when a line like that is delivered by a thirteen year old girl. That line is of course from the original Exorcist. A frightening film that only recently I fully appreciated. That film is truly evil. Everything about it just makes the skin crawl. It’s honest and real and most likely what would happen if you believe in that sort of thing.

 

That said, this fucking movie, The Exorcist: The Beginning, sucks cocks in hell. When I originally heard that this film was being made, the director attached to it was none other than Paul Schrader. Who the fuck is Paul Schrader? This is the guy that wrote Taxi Driver. All I mean to say, is that this guy is talented and I look forward to anything he works on. Time goes by and he makes the film. The next thing that happens is the producers and studio heads sit down with Schrader and watch his move. The movie is boring and lacks the gruesome violence that the producers were expecting. In Schrader’s defense he claims he was making more of a psychological thriller rather than something with the heading “Roger Corman Presents”. So Schrader is fired and the script is rewritten to resemble every other pointless thriller you’ve ever seen, with the required twist at the end. This particular twist brought a much need comedy to an otherwise pointless film and the fact that this film was relying on this twist as its saving grace is utterly and completely sad. This film was redirected by Renny Harlin, a director I have defended in the past. Movies like Cutthroat Island and Cliffhanger, were a tad on the cheesy side, but shit man they were entertaining movies. I once even had a formula that could reliably calculate when Renny would make a good movie or a bad one. Looking over his filmography I can not for the life of me figure out what it was. Either my taste has changed or I never knew what a formula really was. I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt though, knowing very well, that I am quite brilliant. As for my new formula it goes like this. If a film says directed by Renny Harlin and it isn’t Die Hard 2: Die Harder or Long Kiss Goodnight the film is going to suck pretty hard core.

 

The real reason this film fails is its lack of balls. Like I said it relies on a twist that is so ridiculous that it cheats the audience. The original had the balls to possess a girl and jam a crucifix into the holiest of holeys. This film tip toes around a small boy, hints that he is possessed, but then somewhere near the end the teacher from Good Will Hunting goes searching through a room and finds a picture of a character that links them with another character which means that this is the person that’s possessed by Satan. Somewhere Renny Harlin is laughing and screaming “Gotcha!” Got me? You never had me man. Here’s what has me. Jerry Maguire at Hello and Anthony Edwards in a paintball gun movie involving Russian Spies. Renny, you’re neither.

 

Here’s one more sign that should have told me that this movie would suck. In the advertising for this film they show clips from the original. Even in internet advertising you see Linda Blair and not anyone from this new film.

 

One positive note. As you know I’m all about the positive. There is a great shot where the female character is getting into the shower. Solid gold my friend Mr. Harlin. Solid gold.

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~ by fumikaelson on August 26, 2004.

7 Responses to “The Exorcist: The Beginning”

  1. Not only are you quite brilliant, but you’re as equally humble. What a guy!

  2. Not only are you quite brilliant, but you’re as equally humble. What a guy!

  3. Please don’t talk about my mother like that!!!

  4. I always knew that you were gay. I have never heard someone talk so much about cock and sucking cock

  5. Alright, so tell us how you would have done the story. Also tell give us you religious aspect. Tell us why The “Devil” and “God” had a falling out.

  6. I don’t cry….I work out…..and so do you Chuck…so do you!! Great review! 🙂

  7. ugh- this movie was maddingly horrible. We should have gone to see Hero.
    by the way- when are you going to post more reviews? it’s been weeks! How ’bout a suggestion-
    A Dirty Shame. All us B-more folks wanna know how it is…

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