Alien Versus Predator

20th Century Fox presents a film directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. Written by Paul W.S. Anderson. Running Time 101 minutes. Rated PG-13 for violence, language, horror images, slime and gore.

This film gives me the opportunity to gripe about something that has been bothering me ever since 1996. This little pet peeve is about abbreviations. A few examples that you are sure to know are: ID4 (Independence Day), MI2 (Mission Impossible 2) and recently VH (Van Helsing). I don’t want to know these films by their first letters. I think it’s stupid and “AVP” is the latest to test my patience in regards to this little tick of mine. “Did you see AVP yet?” “No you lazy cock sucker I didn’t! Have you seen MDIYM yet?” “What’s that?” “That’s My Dick In Your Mouth if you don’t just ask me if I’ve seen Paul W.S. Anderson’s (not to be confused with P.T. Anderson) latest piece of shit, Alien Versus Predator.”


Yes, I did see this completely retarded effort to mesh two action movie icons into one rock ‘em sock ‘em celebrity death match. It’s just occurred to me that the celebrity death matches have to be the inspiration for this and the much more entertaining Freddy Versus Jason. Taking two beings real or imagined and seeing how they’d fair against one another. The plot in Alien Versus Predator isn’t half bad it’s just the way they went about telling the story that burns my ass. We spend all of our time with these boring, cardboard cut out humans. Each one of them are expendable, even the supposed main character, a whiny little bitch who can climb mountains like Tom Cruise and lead expeditions as well as Lewis and Clark. Now that I say that, I’d really like to see the film Tom Cruise Versus Lewis and Clark or TCVLC. That would be pretty kick ass. Tom could be on set shooting Far and Away Part Two and then a rift in the space time continuum opens and sucks him back almost one hundred years before the events in Oklahoma and the Great Race. It’s 1803 and Tom teams up with a few Vampire Aristocrats as they embark on a mission to intercept Thomas Jefferson’s secret message to Congress, asking for approval and funding of an expedition to explore the Western part of the continent. The wealthy aristocrat vampires fund the expedition and Lewis and Clark set a course west. In Pittsburgh, Lewis oversees construction of a keelboat, then picks up William Clark and other recruits as he travels down the Ohio River. Next, almost a year later, Lewis and Clark travel to St. Louis to attend ceremonies formally transferring the Louisiana Territory to the United States. It is here where our hero Tom Cruise and his gang of wealthy vampires first meet Lewis and Clark. The night turns into a bit of a pissing contest between Tom and the famous Lewis and Clark. Cruise challenges the famous traveling duo to a contest. The contest, who will reach the west first, obviously. This is where Cruise lets the cat out of the bag. He boasts to be traveling with vampires and that this will be the easiest contest won. His prize if he reaches the west first, the entire Oklahoma Territory. Lewis and Clark underestimate our celebrity and agree to these terms, though they don’t have the authority to gamble with any part of America. It is several months later when Lewis and Clark hire French-Canadian fur-trader Toussaint Charbonneau and his Shoshone wife, Sacagawea, to act as interpreters on the journey ahead.

It is about a year later when Clark writes, “Ocian in View! O the joy.” Believing he sees the Pacific. In reality, they are seeing only the widening estuary of the Columbia River. This was the vampires using their powers of influence to confuse the weak minded explorer. Having reached the Pacific, the entire expedition, including Sacagawea and Clark’s slave, York, take a vote on where to build their winter quarters. They chose the Clatsop Indian side of the Columbia, and the encampment came to be called Fort Clatsop. After a winter of only 12 days without rain, the men present their fort to the Clatsop Indians and set out for home. But not before Cruise returns to face off mono y mono y mono with Lewis and Clark. Big Tom pulls out his samurai sword and charges the explorers in slow motion filled with the pride and honor of his sleeping vampire friends. Lewis and Clark pull on Tom their pistols and fire. Cruise falls and his blood stains the land of Fort Clatsop, that the Indians later renamed Herohuntajeramaguia. Which means, brave one, who claimed to be a big star from the future and friend of the living dead, that challenged the white men for no justifiable reason and died Bonnie and Clyde style. Meanwhile, Lewis and Clark, having found an easier route across the country, reach St. Louis nearly two and a half years after their journey began and are acclaimed as national heroes. Of course after the celebration we are back on the ground with the dead Tom Cruise, only we move the camera in real close to see that he’s been bitten by a vampire. The Indians bury him and while in a song and dance number Tom erupts from the ground a living dead. This leaves us open to a sequel. In the sequel we can have Tom seek out Lewis and Clark for revenge but instead get side tracked by Sacagawea. She’s a super bad ass and the only one who can fight the now living dead Tom Cruise. The one thing Sacagawea didn’t count on though, falling in love with Tom Cruise. The rest you’ll have to wait until next summer. Until then lets have a toast. To two completely unrelated icons going at it for the benign reason of amusing us.




~ by fumikaelson on August 19, 2004.

2 Responses to “Alien Versus Predator”

  1. It is funny that you put whoever wins we lose.

    It is like Bush and Kerry… whoever wins we lose. =D

  2. It is funny that you put whoever wins we lose.

    It is like Bush and Kerry… whoever wins we lose. =D

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